How To Find Clarity Within

a man with many hats, 
by jojo nicdao on Flickr.

Finding clarity within is different for everybody. Each person arrives at it via a different route. One thing they all have in common, though, is the need to be specific about who they are and what they want. These can often be the most difficult questions to answer.


An article on Medium by my friend Wendy Cockcroft, "How Many Hats Do You Wear?" touches on the difficulty of finding answers to those questions. Let's take a closer look.

Who are you?

See my profile picture? That’s a cartoonised image of myself, adapted from a photo taken on my tenth wedding anniversary — I’m a wife.

I took the image and adapted it myself, using GIMP — I’m a graphic designer. I’m also an Open Source enthusiast.

Wendy defines herself by her various roles and interests and points out that this is how other people tend to define us. I feel the same way half the time because I, like Wendy, am a wife. I'm also a mother and a sister, a daughter, a friend, and the list goes on.

Hats and shoes

I see things a little differently, though. Where Wendy sees hats for roles, etc., I see hats for responsibilities and shoes for choices. We wear hats or are made to wear hats because we have Things To Do and These Are Important. But shoes... there all kinds of shoes. Flats, wedges, heels, kitten heels, boots, trainers, etc., etc. There are shoes for every occasion and each time we put them on we choose which ones to wear and where to go in them. Shoes enable three things:

• movement
• protection 
• expression

In the same way, we have free choices over where we go, how to deal with our fears, and how to express ourselves, for the most part. So then, when we're asked the question, "Who are you?" all of these other things need to be taken into account.

The maxim, or aphorism, "know thyself" has had a variety of meanings attributed to it in literature. The Suda, a 10th-century encyclopedia of Greek knowledge, says: "the proverb is applied to those whose boasts exceed what they are", and that "know thyself" is a warning to pay no attention to the opinion of the multitude. - Know thyself - Wikipedia

I often say, "When you know better, you do better." Well you don't know very much if you don't know who you are. If you want to find clarity within you're going to have to find the answers to that question. There's more than one.

Ask thyself

When you want to get to know another person you ask them questions, you watch what they do and listen to what they say, and you check to see whether or not it matches up. It's the same for growing in self-awareness, you ask yourself questions. This typically happens when I've got a problem to resolve, e.g. not knowing when to say no.

For example, Wendy might say to me, "Ama, can you drive me to London tonight? It's very important." Of course I'd say no, but a discussion will begin in my head about why I said no to my friend without even thinking about it.

Is she for real? 
But she's my friend. I should do something to help her, she says it's important.
But I have a family and all the responsibilities that go with it and can't commit to just getting up, leaving them, and taking my friend to London.
Does this mean I don't care for my friend?

This proves to me that I don't always say yes to everything, and it really happened, but with someone else. I was so surprised that she'd asked that of me that no was the only word that could come out of my mouth. It was a game-changer — I had always assumed I was a soft touch and gave in too easily in the name of loyalty. But on that occasion I did not, and it made it easier for me to say no to things I didn't want to do. It freed me from the worry that people might not like me any more if I said no to them. Like it or not, people aren't always honest with themselves and each other about who they really are.

What do you want? 

I personally think that life is all about relationships. The quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life. If relationships are not important to you, what is? Why?

Health is wealth

Like many other women I want to lose weight and feel great. I've joined a slimming club and counting my Syns, etc. So far I've lost half a stone despite my chocolate Hobnobs habit. I can't help it, they're crunchy and so nice with a cup of tea. If I open a packet, I can't just have one. I must have another, and another, and just one more...

I told Wendy about this, and she said, "Ama, are you sure you want to lose weight? It seems to me that you want Hobnobs."

Well despite my naughty habits I've lost half a stone and have been able to keep it off. She's right, though, what we want needs to line up with what we do. I have a close and loving relationship with anything sweet. But I want to lose weight and be more healthy. So what am I going to do about it?

Romance

Women are encouraged by our culture and the media to expect romance. They expect to be wined and dined by a string of beaus, then eventually settle down with Mr. Right to have a family. I know many women who are either divorced or whose partnerships have ended. Some of them have children with several different fathers. While every situation is different I've observed a trend towards expecting the ideals of romance, etc., to become real in their lives. When this doesn't happen, they are disappointed and have no idea of where to go from there. This begs the question: are their expectations reasonable?

Finding the clarity within

These two questions, "Who are you?" and "What do you want?" are but the first steps on your journey to finding clarity within. This is a process that can take many years and self-awareness is just one part of it but without self-awareness you won't be going anywhere. So if you find that you're stuck in a rut and seem to keep going round in circles, take the time to sit down and ask yourself those questions. Let me know how you get on.